Chances are I shouldn't write this in a somewhat-public forum.
Oh well.
I want out of this life.
I'm burnt out on adulthood... before age 21? Lovely...
Sometimes I think this entire second life... was all just to save face.
I flunked out of school and was embarrassed... humiliated... what's the easiest way to save face?
Prove you didn't need school in the first place. Make money. Succeed in the corporate world before I'm even supposed to be there. The fact that my dad is right here and can see every success is a definite factor too, as much as I don't want to admit that.
But I've proven myself. I kicked ass at this.
Why is "been there, done that" the first phrase that comes to mind?
As soon as the novelty wears off, adult life is just about being a whore.
I want to see the fucking world, not this cubicle wall.
I want to create something... not do this stupid busy work.
[How am I supposed to know if I'm being true to myself, or just wimping out again?]
I guess, as it turns out, it's so much easier to succeed in something you don't care about. Nothing else can really explain my success here.
But I'm falling in love.
And there's so much I want to learn.
There are so many pictures I want to take.
There are so many songs I want to write.
I finally feel like myself again.
[Except when I'm at work... I feel like a prisoner in these cubicle walls.]
I don't want to lose sight of who I am again.
...fear is the only thing holding me back, holding me here.
I really don't want to let fear control me anymore.
But it's a hard decision to make, too. This place saved my life. Money, as it turns out, kicks ass. Manic decisions are not the way to go, I know this. And at one point I *did* love what I was doing... I'm trying to not let myself forget that.
Still, idk.
I don't see this lasting like this much longer.
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You're not alone. Lots of people get frustrated with their corporate jobs. I wouldn't go as far as "everyone hates their job," but certainly a lot of people do, I think. I'd say use it as a stepping stone, to the next stage of your life. You'll find something better. You owe it to yourself to look. In the meantime, you can focus on your hobbies. Work hard but, play harder. I haven't had a full-time job, but I've had a job that I loathed going to. Anyway, hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'll try my best to come to your 21st celebration. I hope you bring the house down.
There's a great quote: 'A life lived in fear is a life half lived.' This is the time we need to be exploring the world and looking for what is important to us. Don't settle for convenient and easy. Not happy with your job? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! But plan first. Rash decisions are exhilarating but sometimes make things more difficult.
ReplyDeleteOh, and it's not that you've done well at your job because you don't care about it. You do care - you show up and do the best work you can. You've done well because you're really bright and capable. Maybe you weren't as successful at the things you were really passionate about because you weren't realistic about what to expect from yourself.
@both tonev(a)'s :)
ReplyDeleteI love you both, and I'm not sure how I JUST noticed these comments. Thank you so much for the reinforcement!
I talked to my dad about things today... I actually have a solid plan. I will update my blog once everything is setup, but I should have a LOT more time soon! I am so excited. I'm going to try and update this thing WAY more often, read a ton more, etc. etc.
So... talk to you soon! :)