Friday, May 22, 2009

Lunch tastes better if you're not wearing pants

Step one: Walk out of your personal prison.
Step two: Go home and pour yourself a drink
Step three: Make yourself a penut butter sandwhich.
Step four: Stand on your chair and look down on the city you cannot wait to leave behind.
Step five: Realize how beautiful it is.

Even the city you can't wait to leave behind can take your breath away.
The anonymity of height can free you to spy on anyone.
Lunch tastes better in your underwear.
If you think up something random and absurd (like eating lunch in your underwear) and you can't find a logical answer to the question "why not?" you should do it.

Of all things I am thankful for, burning out on corporate life before age 21 is actually very high on the list. Am I the only one who realizes how free this has made me? I know the rat race isn't worth it... and I hope I never get caught here again.

Also high on the list... not falling in love until now.
Because there are so many experiences I would have missed out on otherwise.

I've questioned my sexuality, and I still don't have an answer. I don't care. Falling in love is the only answer I ever needed anyhow. And if you don't think your sex life could be improved by knowing what it's like on both sides, you're wrong. So wrong.

I've lived in a state where I knew no one. Do you know how free that can make you for a short period of time? Spend a month having all strangers perceive your gender incorrectly, and you'll learn a lot about perspective.

You can't seperate who you are from where you've been. Gender identity is silly. I love it when I can hang out with a group of guys and I'm treated as one of them. For a long time I thought this meant that I inherently couldn't fit in with other girls. But if you play for both teams you'll always win. I have a free pass into that group, how silly would it be not to take it?

But on the subject of gender...
I'm one of you. I'm attracted to some of you. I don't hate you.
I know, most of you are germ-o-phobes. I know, it's hard to not pee on the seat when you're doing the flying nun.
But for fucks sake, some of us AREN'T psychotic germ-o-phobes. Some of us actually SIT on the seat. Because believe it or not, peeing is a much more pleasurable experience when you're not clenching your thighs and hoping against hope you can hold the position long enough to empty your bladder. And GUESS WHAT! Those of us who you know, SIT on the seat... DON'T WANT TO SIT ON YOUR PEE! It's not about the germs... it's just gross! So please, either calm the fuck down and sit on the seat, or learn to aim. You bitch at the men in your life CONSTANTLY for peeing on the seat, so why the fuck do womens public restrooms look like a pack of 2nd grade boys broke in? WHY!???

God, I should organize my thoughts better.

This post=proof of my ADHD.


And to everyone out there with ADHD.

Did you know that LIFE IS BETTER WITHOUT METH!???


If you have to get high everyday in order to be who society wants you to be, maybe you should just have fun everyday.

Society is drugging you so that you don't question the norm. Are you really okay with that?

I'm not!

Embrace the weird, embrace the random, fuck expectations.

Maybe I don't have attention deficit "disorder". Maybe everyone else is just too dumb to think about 10 things at once.

When you're random, things never have an appropriate ending.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Prostitution and my thoughts on how society should handle it.

This started out as a reply to Emily's post about prostitution statistics, including typical progression of sexual experiences and drug use for prostitutes. She also covered the typical customer profile.

I felt like my response was getting too long so I'm turning it into it's own post instead.

[For this arguments sake (and I realize this could potentially be debated to a degree) prostitution=bad because it is emotionally unhealthy for both parties who are involved.]

The statistics Emily posted are very interesting. However, I think that if society is going to look at trying to limit prostitution it is more important to focus on what emotional factors lead someone to prostitution.

My guess is that those would be:
a) desperation
b) a misguided interpretation of how important money is.

First off, this is America: everyone has a price. If we're going to look at curbing prostitution, we need to focus on what brings clients to prostitutes just as much as what brings prostitutes to prostitution.
[For further reading on why prostitution/strip clubs are just as pathetic/damaging for customers (typically male) as strippers/prostitutes (typically female) I recommend reading "Self Made Man" by Norah Vincent. Specifically there is a chapter called "Sex" which is where she (Norah) visits a strip club as a Man (Ned).]

My guess is that the emotional factors that lead customers to prostitutes are:
a) desperation
b) a misguided interpretation of how important money is.

Notably, these bullet points are the same for both sides. Which is good, really, since it means there are less problems in the world to focus on. In my opinion, B is a good place to start. (Desperation is a human experience, and one that I would argue is basically unavoidable. Although giving people a way back up is something we should focus on as well.)

Drug use does have correlation with prostitution- I would be a moron to argue against that. However, I do not think it should be seen as a cause. I would speculate that prostitution may cause more drug use than drug use causes prostitution. (If I [felt like I] had to have sex with someone I didn't like, I would definitely want to be high, wouldn't you?)

My concern is just that if you even imply that drug use is a cause of prostitution, prohibition seems like a good idea. However, when you talk about trying to help people who are in a desperate enough situation to turn to prostitution, medication will likely be discussed. I really don't think that a society that medicates mental health issues has any business prosecuting drug use.
Example: How come the same society that essentially demands I take meth {aka adderol} everyday in order to control my attention deficit "disorder" can also prosecute me for smoking a joint? This issue deserves a post of it's own (which will come), but also serves as an important example in this case.

[Not exactly related to this post, but a question that I'm sure might come up in discussion: No, I do not thing prostitution should be illegal. Prosecuting it is a waste of resources, and it's going to happen regardless. The focus should be on helping people avoid the situation entirely.]

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

If you like the crazy you better, maybe you should let him win.

Have you ever watched closely a film you thought you'd understood as a kid?
We watched Return of the Jedi tonight and I actually paid close attention to it. I had most of the plot completely WRONG when I was a kid. There are super obvious things I just did NOT notice because I was looking at the special effects.
Interestingly, we were also watching the non-CGI version, which I'd never seen before. So maybe the issue is just that I'm ADD, and not that I was a kid before. I just can't believe that the minor "improvements" they made to star wars caused me to misunderstand the film so much.
Also, I remember MUCH more distinctly than star wars the interview with George Lucas at the beginning. I think that my dad would turn on star wars and maybe I wandered away while the interview was happening? idk.
idk. I just can't separate characters in movies/tv shows from my experience of watching them. So often (especially in the movie theater or on a big screen) I get so distracted by little visual components, that I forget I'm supposed to be thinking about the plot instead. Or I get so interested in the medical possibilities of the show, I forget the character development completely.
idk, I want to research synesthesia a little bit better. I'm still amazed by how many interesting self-revelations Born on a Blue Day held for me.
I have REALLY weird ways of remembering things. I'm always trying to analyze a situation as it's presented, instead of immediately afterwords. For this reason I start to feel crazy if I don't keep a journal. But it also means that when I go to remember things they might be filed very weirdly. Like blue square characters and purple swirly characters.

Also, I REALLY want to see the CGI'd version again now so I can compare the differences. It just felt like a massively different movie.

[Analyze everything. Fear nothing.]

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What's my age again?

Chances are I shouldn't write this in a somewhat-public forum.
Oh well.

I want out of this life.
I'm burnt out on adulthood... before age 21? Lovely...

Sometimes I think this entire second life... was all just to save face.
I flunked out of school and was embarrassed... humiliated... what's the easiest way to save face?
Prove you didn't need school in the first place. Make money. Succeed in the corporate world before I'm even supposed to be there. The fact that my dad is right here and can see every success is a definite factor too, as much as I don't want to admit that.
But I've proven myself. I kicked ass at this.
Why is "been there, done that" the first phrase that comes to mind?

As soon as the novelty wears off, adult life is just about being a whore.

I want to see the fucking world, not this cubicle wall.
I want to create something... not do this stupid busy work.

[How am I supposed to know if I'm being true to myself, or just wimping out again?]

I guess, as it turns out, it's so much easier to succeed in something you don't care about. Nothing else can really explain my success here.

But I'm falling in love.
And there's so much I want to learn.
There are so many pictures I want to take.
There are so many songs I want to write.
I finally feel like myself again.
[Except when I'm at work... I feel like a prisoner in these cubicle walls.]
I don't want to lose sight of who I am again.

...fear is the only thing holding me back, holding me here.

I really don't want to let fear control me anymore.

But it's a hard decision to make, too. This place saved my life. Money, as it turns out, kicks ass. Manic decisions are not the way to go, I know this. And at one point I *did* love what I was doing... I'm trying to not let myself forget that.

Still, idk.

I don't see this lasting like this much longer.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


I was thinking about it recently, and I realized there are a lot of things people don't do just because it might look or seem silly.
Screw that.
Last Thursday I had movie plans. The night before I'd been out ridiculously late playing soccer and then drinking. Then the next morning I had to go to work even earlier than usual, so I skipped the shower in trade for a fourth hour of sleep. From downtown it would've been two hours out of my way to drive home to my parents house and then take a shower before heading off to Lawrence for my movie, so I decided to just go directly from work. I figured Liz or Cay would answer the phone and let me bum a shower, but they had dropped off the radar (into a nap).
So I realized... I could either be annoyed that no one is answering the phone and feel lame, or I could just figure something out. So I went to CVS and bought shampoo, a razor, and hair gel. I then drove to McCollum, walked into a girls wing, and took a shower. How silly of me.

But here's how I see it:
On the downside, I'd forgotten to buy a towel at CVS so I had to use a sweatshirt as a towel. Also, McCollum is really gross.
On the upside, I found it supremely entertaining, it killed time until Liz and Cay woke up from their accidental nap, I looked semi-cute for the movie, and the Vampire love story movie was wonderful.

Definitely worth it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

"Born on a Blue Day"

I just finished the book "Born on a Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant" which is a biography about and written by Daniel Tammet. I was originally drawn to the book because I find savant-ism to be absolutely fascinating, and I was also interested by the fact that the author has Aspergers syndrome and has learned to be successful and independent in the world. I had very high expectations for the book, and those expectations were actually surpassed.

One thing that I wasn't expecting at all (but absolutely loved) was the love story in the middle. It was a nice change of pace to come across a gay love story in a book when I wasn't expecting it, and when it wasn't the main "point" of the story. Completely seperate from Daniels sexuality, I also loved the storyline because I thought it was very refreshing and interesting to hear someone so overly logical talk about love. I often question if I will ever really fall in love, or if I even want to, because it just seems so silly and illogical. I guess the book helped me realize that not every couple that says they're in love is just two willy-nilly, overly-emotional, and illogical idiots making dumb decisions and then feeling handcuffed by them. (Cynical? No way!)

The weirdest moment of the book for me came in the last two pages. Up to that point I had gone through the entire book feeling like in many ways this guy was validating how I see the world, and feeling like I "got" what he was saying. All of the sudden in the last two pages he states that he's a Christian. This completely threw me off. Here is a guy who I honestly believe is brilliant, is obviously incredibly logical, and all of the sudden he states that he is a Christian. No offense to any Christians reading this, but I have come to my beliefs (I'm an Atheist) because I think that's the smart and logical conclusion. I have so much respect for this guys intellect, I actually doubted my thoughts on religion for about 30 seconds... which is by far the longest I've doubted my position in all of my adult life. However, my faith in Atheism was restored once I realized that Daniel is looking for an answer to questions that concrete logic and science [currently] can't truly give, and that his Aspergers-fueled desire for order and rituals probably attracted him to Christianity.
(Did I seriously just use the phrase "Faith in Atheism" in a way that made sense? Awesome.)

I very much felt connected to Daniel when he was talking described the way he learned to get around in the world despite his Aspergers. He basically studied the social "rules" that most people know instinctively and learned to apply them. I do think a large part of why I felt connected to him is because I grew up with Luke, but I also think some of that connection was related to the way I think, too. For example, I honestly feel like watching TV shows and analyzing how and why characters act the way they do and really "studying" them has made me more in-tune and comfortable socially.

However, I don't have Aspergers syndrome. I know this because I got sick of being paranoid about it and strait up asked my therapist if she thought I did. Not only did she say "no", she seemed pretty surprised that I was worried about it. I definitely trust her opinion, so I do recognize that the thought was primarily paranoia.

I also think reading the book, especially Daniels description of his childhood, helped me to sort out some of the messed up views I had about Aspergers when I was younger.
When I was a kid I didn't believe Aspergers was a real thing. I thought it was something my parents made up because they liked Luke more than me, and wanted to let him get away with things. I realize now that I thought this because many of the things that defined his disorder were things I fought hard to control on a daily basis, and I was terrified that if I didn't keep worrying about every social situation, I would wind up unable to deal with them and get labeled "different" too. At the same time I was really jealous and pissed off that it seemed like Luke had been given a free pass on issues that were still a struggle for me. Basically, we had enough in common that I failed to recognize the differences that made things that were in my control [but still a struggle] completely out of his control. I thought that he was just being lazy.

For example, people with Aspergers tend to get really passionate about one thing at a time. Lukes big passion when he was really young was trains. People with Aspergers will talk and talk about their favorite subject without realizing the other person isn't interested. I am also incredibly obsessive, and when I am passionate about something I have to make a conscious effort to not just ramble on about it the way someone with Aspergers would (I often fail, as evidenced by this blog entry). So I would spend my entire day trying to control how much I talked, and then I would come home and Luke would talk my ear off about trains. He would never get the hint to shut up so eventually I would snap and say something mean, and my parents would get mad because he "couldn't help it". It definitely seemed like a double standard. As an adult, these aspergers-ish thoughts make me understand and get along with my brother better. But as a kid, they left me annoyed by and resentful of him.

While Daniels description of Aspergers was interesting and helpful for me to read, I am still more fascinated by his savant-ism than anything else. His synesthesia means that to him words and numbers have extra properties such as color and emotion. He basically sees the linguistic and mathematical world with more variables than we do, and it actually works. He was able to learn Icelandic (one of the hardest languages to learn) in a matter of only around a week, and he memorized and recited over 2,000 digits of pi by memorizing the 'numerical landscape' in his head. He speaks over 11 languages and has even made his own. I wish I could ask this guy what language he thinks in (this is a question I ask all of my bilingual friends, as the answer fascinates me). If he actually thinks in his own language, that's crazy fascinating and awesome. The fact that language can prevent me from expressing what I actually feel (based on a limited vocabulary) has always bugged me. I guess if I thought in my own personal (but logical) language, I could create new words whenever necessary. That would be awesome.
I think Daniel is a great example of how thinking outside of the perceived reality can lead to amazing results.